ok… im back for good

High Anxiety
High Anxiety (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The past few posts I have started off by saying I have been a terrible blogger as of late. Unfortunately, that hasn’t fixed the problem. However, I am now vowing to blog everyday even if I don’t have much to say.

I’m going to a One Direction concert on Saturday. yay! I do like concerts. I do love One Direction. But I hate travelling. As you might know, I am a very anxious individual. I have anxiety attacks randomly, and not often, but enough to make me wary during public occasions. Anyway, I have trouble in cars, especially when in a car with other people. I don’t want to be a burden, and I know I would be if I had to tell the driver to stop the car because I’m freaking out for no reason.

My anxiety really has hindered my life on so many levels. Five years ago I wouldn’t be worrying about getting in a car for three hours with friends. Now, I can’t sleep because of it. It bites, man.

Anyway, it sucks. I’m going to be all stocked up on Valium, so I’ll take two of those and zone out for the three hours of the trip. And my friends want to  leave at 10 in the morning for a 7:30 concert. WHAT? I don’t care if there is traffic… it’s too early! Whatever. I can’t argue, because I never get my way anyway. I also wanted to drive, but that was pulled out from under me as well. I’m leaning towards driving separately, but again, I don’t want people to think I’m weird. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY.

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Full of sap

This summer (so far) has gone so much better for me so far. Last summer, when I got home from college, I grew very depressed and anxious as my world seemed to be spinning out of control. I was paranoid, scared of losing my Mom, and terrified when thinking about my future. I don’t know what it is about coming home for the summer but it always throws me for a loop. I started seeing my therapist again, and that helped alot. I suppose I’m just really bad with transitions. It was even worse when I got back to school after the summer. I cried for a week straight, and it was my junior year…

Anyway, this summer, I’ve been more than fine. I may not have a job, and I may be super lazy these days, but at least my head is on straight. I’m not worrying so much, and more often than not I am happy. Sure, I still have days where all I want to do is cry, curl up in a ball and sleep for the rest of my life, but it never lasts. My mom even says she has noticed a change.

I don’t know how I’ll do when I go back to school, but for now, I’m on top of the world HEY! (Imagine Dragons reference). I’m not sure what/who to thank for this positive change, but I can attest to one thing. This summer, I have a boyfriend of ten months. He’s never left my side. Perhaps he was all I needed to make me whole? I know that’s corny, and ew gross, right? But I don’t know what else it could be. He gives me hope. My love for him distracts me from my depression and my anxiety. He makes me feel secure. No words could describe who he has been, and who he is to me, but honestly, I don’t think I could have gotten through like I have without him. Thanks, Ty (:

Time to be me

I suffer from anxiety, depression, and sometimes it seems every mental disorder ever been discovered. Sometimes I think I have mental disorders that have yet to be diagnosed on anyone in the history of the world. Sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die if this feeling doesn’t go away. Sometimes I don’t think the feeling will every go away. What if I end up killing myself? What if I end up alone? Then, I would have to kill myself.

I’ve never self-harmed myself. I’ve never actually tried to commit suicide. I’ve thought about it though, and unbeknownst to many, I think that hurts just as bad. The fear that you might one day do it.

I’m terrified that my mom will die. She’s my rock. She keeps me sane when I don’t feel so sane, myself. What if she died? It’s this thought that keeps me up at night, panting, sweating, with a squirmy feeling in my gut and chest that prevents sleep from ever taking hold. I have to get up, walk around, shake it off… but sometimes, that doesn’t help. Sometimes it just makes it worse.

I can’t do the things I used to love to do. I can’t get on a plane and be okay just sitting there for however many hours. I panic, and I throw up, and people stare and judge me. I can’t easily get in a car with my friend and go on a roadtrip because I hate the thought of being away from home, away from my mom.

The worst part is the fear. Always scared. What if? What if? What if? The thoughts haunt me in my waking hours, and my sleepless nights. What if I can’t get a job because I’m this way? What if I lose all my friends? What if I’m stuck in my parent’s house for the rest of my life? Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I could live with mom, my rock, forever. But then she’ll die, and then what would I do? I’d probably kill myself.

And so the thoughts continue on until they’ve paralyzed me, thrown me into a panic, and I can’t breath.

Once, I was scared that I might have been raped as a child but I just couldn’t remember it. Maybe I had been molested and now I’m permanently afraid of everything, and if I could just remember, maybe it would help. I couldn’t recall any such memory, but the thought of it made me shiver. I couldn’t feel comfortable around my dad anymore, and he is my best friend. I wanted to scream. I spent nights trying to remember some traumatic experience in my childhood. I cried and cried, and missed my dad. Luckily, that fear finally dissipated, but of course, replaced with a new fear to debilitate me once again.

It got better. I went to school an hour away from home, and that was hard. But I made it through. I hardly had any bouts of anxiety there. I made tons of friends, kissed guys, went to parties, and lived like the girl I knew I was. Then I went home for the summer, and it came back.

Depressed all the time. Anxiety eating away at me. I was nothing. I couldn’t eat. But it got better, just like it always did.

It will always get better. I have had anxiety/depression for over three years now, and it always ends up going away. And just like it promises this, it also always comes back. But I deal with it, with the help of my mom, and my boyfriend. I’ve learned to rely on myself to some degree. Through my anxiety, I have grown stronger.

Like I said in my Hero post, the feats we accomplish in our own life, make us heroes. Societies standards have nothing to do with who we are, or what we overcome, or what makes us heroes. It depends on solely ourselves. What takes courage is what, to us, takes courage.

Overcoming my anxiety when it rears its ugly head is a trial, and an obstacle in my life, but each time I jump the hurdle, I grow stronger. Slowly, I’ve been able to piece myself back together. Anxiety is a part of who I am, but it is not who I am. I will not let it eat away from me, because it does not own me; it is merely a part of me. It does not hold the Governor position over my mind and body. My courage does. And when my anxiety begins to recruit all the bad things and fears to start a rebellion against me, I fortify my strongholds and train my armies and sharpen my swords. Each war may leave broken, but not enough to prevent me from picking myself back up again. Because when Anxiety was busy fervently trying to breach my walls, I was picking up new recruits for the next attack. I have many powerful allies. Love. Hope. Family. Friends. Joy. Blessings. All the things that are good in my life.

If any of you want to talk, or ask questions or share your stories please do so below. Being able to lean on each other helps immensely. And we are all in this together. At least, that’s what Troy Bolton says. (:

When I’m depressed/anxious, you should:

  • Play with my hair
  • Rub my back
  • Tell me a story
  • Listen
  • Walk with me
  • Scream with me
  • Take care of me
  • Make sure I go outside
  • Read to me
  • Watch a movie with me
  • Tell me I’m beautiful
  • Tell me I’m okay
  • Expect nothing from me
  • Make me feel safe
  • Whisper
  • Stay calm
  • Hold me (when I’m ready)
  • Wrap me up in blankets
  • Let me cry
  • Fluff my pillows
  • Fix me dinner
  • Give me space
  • Act normal
  • Help me feel normal
  • Watch TV shows with me
  • Massage my feet
  • Sit with me and say nothing
  • Be patient
  • Smile
  • Kiss my forehead
  • Wait for me to come back

Eleven Things I Love

I’m kinda in a bleh mood, and because I’m adamant about posting every single day, I’m going to use this post as a Ten Things I Love sort of deal. Honestly, nothing interesting happened today, so yeah, here you go.

1) I love to read. I’ve said this before, but I must repeat it. If I had a mountaintop, I’d scream atop it, but I only have a computer and a blog (reference to Anchorman). Books are my escape, and I think, for me, it’s safe to assume the line between reality and fantasy is blurry. Yeah, I’m one of those people.

2) I love to write. I am currently working on a book, well two books actually, and even though I’m too lazy most of the time to continue them, I love the idea of adding more. The characters which I create become my friends, and I use them to live the life I sometimes wish I had. But if I had those lives, it wouldn’t be fantasy anymore, would it?

3) I love One Direction. I’m sorry, ok? I’m a thirteen year old girl at heart, and I’m not at all ashamed. Well perhaps a little. These five boys just get my heart a-beating, and it’s on the fast track to never stopping!!!!

4) I love Game of Thrones. I’ve just caught up with the show, and I hate the fact that now I have to wait a week in between each new episode! It’s absolute torture.

5) I love Vampire Diaries, and Paul Wesley. That is all.

6) I love photography. My parents just bought me a Canon Rebel for Christmas and I love it! Photos are taped all over my wall now, and Tyler recently bought me a 1960s Minolta which is freaking amazing!

7) I love Imagine Dragons. Whenever I’m driving, I typically fall back onto my Imagine Dragons album and drift into peace world. I don’t let myself drift too far, however. Then I’d crash my car and just possibly die. How am I supposed to listen to Imagine Dragons while dead? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO IMAGINE DRAGONS?!

8) I love NYC.

9) I love cats. God, I love cats.

10) I love a good dose of videogames. Call of Duty would have to be my favorite.

11) I love to sound smarter and more confident than I actually am. Defenestrate.