Lesson #11: Heed the Apple Watch, or else


Heed the Apple Watch. When it tells you it’s “Time to stand,” you better fucking stand.

Whether you’re at home, at the movie theatre, or praying at church, if you feel the violent buzzing of your Watch against your wrist, you best get up off your ass and assume an erect position.

My boyfriend, Tim, got me an Watch for Christmas. Obviously I love it, but I still condemn the amount of money he spent on me. Besides, way to raise the bar high TIM! I retaliated by getting him a GoPro. It’s not a fight if anything less than $500 was spent on both parties combined.

Still, if you get an Watch for Christmas, you’re not gonna give it back. No, give me a break. You’re going to immediately put it on, stare wide-eyed at its divine majesty, and show it off to the homeless man who sleeps on the corner of your street. You might have to slap his hand away a couple times; God forbid he get his dirty fingerprints all over the diamond glass.

At least he's honest...
At least he’s honest…

The Watch is very versatile. You can text from it, play music from it…and a lot of other stuff I haven’t figured out yet. Fun fact: I was an undervalued salesman in another life. The Watch can also track your steps, and monitor your movements throughout the day. This is a great tool for people who like to make daily fitness goals. Yes, apparently this is an actual breed of people. The Watch will actually remind you of the goals you’ve set, which helps keep you accountable. For instance, it will tell you when you’re being a lazy piece of crap fat-ass and should really think about standing up. That little ping I hear from my Watch when I know I’ve been sitting or laying down or napping for too long never ceases to make me laugh. I pity the Watch that thinks it can force me out of my “lazy time.” The vibrating reminder does nothing but make me giggle. “Yeah right,” I think to myself. “I’ve worked hard for this position I’m assuming; this bed could not be more molded to my form, and I’m not ruining it by getting up. What a preposterous idea.”

Still, I know my Watch is right. I must heed the Apple Watch if I ever want to get the body I want. I’m rather skinny by nature, but my muscles are non-existent. I want to be strong. I want to be independent and capable. But I can only do that if I actually get up out of bed, as impossible as that sounds. In my defense, if I’m in a movie theatre, in the middle of an intense movie, like Star Wars, do you expect me to heed my Apple Watch and stand up?! Can you imagine the response I’d get? Movie theater-people are INTENSE. They mean actual business. If I were to stand up in the middle of Star Wars, during the part when Chewbacca starts making out with Princess Leia (SPOILER ALERT), I’m not sure I’d make it out alive. At least not without a dozen or so open wounds. Thank God light-sabers aren’t allowed in my theater. I’m serious… my friend got yelled at for that very reason. Guns, however–you can take those things ANYWHERE.


Lesson Learned? Don’t take your light saber to the movie theater, do whatever your Apple Watch tells you to do, and stop saying “Apple Watch.”



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