Today, I was eating in the common area of my school. Everyone was merrily chatting away, eating their curds and whey when all of a sudden someone, a guy (6 ft. tall and chunky), stood up on the table and said, “HEY. THINK FAST.”
He let the mashed potatoes fly. That’s not a metaphor. He actually threw mashed potatoes. They whizzed by me and landed on the shoulder of some girl with really straight hair, wearing a bright yellow dress. She obviously wanted to look cute today. She was also very, very pissed. Some guy beside her stood up, also looking pissed (they must be dating), grabbed his chicken nuggets, and let them fly one after the other after the other after the other.
The Instigator dodged them all, and that’s when the whole cafeteria erupted into a moshpit of screams, whimpers, shouts, laughter, impacts, and collisions. People were even running into each other. Two guys in the corner of the room were actually wrestling while their friend poured the contents of his soda all over them. They didn’t seem to notice.
I sat in my seat, innocently trying to dodge the greasy missiles. Eventually, I stood up, hurriedly gathered my things and shimmied my way to the exit. I didn’t make it out alive. Right when I was at the door, a soggy, greasy, delicately spiced and seared cut of tuna slapped itself onto my back, and plopped onto the floor below me. I turned around to yell at the culprit, but when I did, a whole wad of mashed potatoes flew into my open mouth and I nearly choked.
I love mashed potatoes, but not when they make it into my mouth by sheer force from someone who possibly infrequently washes their hands.
I spit it all out onto the floor, and ran outside, where I was once again safe, and very much humiliated.
As I walked back to my room, I thought about what a great blog post this would make, so I here I am writing it out for you. But I must confess….
None of this actually happened. My day was boring as hell.